


Shame Shame Shame

by justthisguyyouknow



Category: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (TV 1981)
Genre: Disco, F/F, Fluff, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pre-Canon, author meant this to be a short one shot and it got out of hand, i blame my friend alex, no beta we die like men, yes the lesbians are based of deb and arlene rimmer from red dwarf let me live
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 06:08:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24370108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justthisguyyouknow/pseuds/justthisguyyouknow
Summary: “Men don’t dance ford, maybe- you know, your types do, but most men don’t dance.”Ford didn’t think this was right, but he admittedly didn’t know enough about earth to dispute it.
Relationships: Arthur Dent/Ford Prefect, Original Female Character/Original Female Character
Comments: 8
Kudos: 33





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is super dialogue heavy and i Cannot write at the best of times and dialogue is the worst of times so this is purely self indulgent, this is super repressed arthur and fluff for 2000 words enjoy- is what i wrote when i started it. This is just chapter one and its nearly 5k words i'm so sorry. Also i swear it will get more fluffy.

Arthur was on one again. Many evenings were like this. Ford Prefect and Arthur Dent would be sat in a pub, Ford would make an innocent comment and Arthur would have a spluttering retort about something or another. Usually, this meant the incognito alien saying that the stock market was pointless- or something to that effect -and the earthman floundering to defend it, but this had really bothered Ford. 

“Men don’t dance ford, maybe- you know, your types do, but most men don’t dance.”

Ford didn’t think this was right. He admittedly didn’t know enough about earth to dispute it. 

“What do you mean?”

“Well its just not the done thin-“

Ford cut him off with a wave of his hands. 

“No i mean- what do you mean by ‘your type’” This was accompanied by air quotes swung dramatically in the air. 

“oh well, you know,” Arthur shifted uncomfortably “you’re- erm- you’re queer, aren’t you?” This last part was whispered because Arthur equal parts didn’t want ford to get hate crimed and feared what people may think if they knew his main drinking buddy was gay. 

“I have been informed that i’m a bit strange yes.” the smaller man replied innocently but with a slight edge to his voice. Ford knew exactly what his companion was getting at but refused to let him weasel out of this conversation. Hunched over their shared table, close enough so they could speak discretely, but not enough to cause suspicion, Arthur whispered 

“you know, like, homosexual” 

the last word was barely heard

“oh yes well i’m bi yes” replied Ford loudly with absolutely no regard for arthur’s concern. 

“well, yes, whatever you’re calling yourselves these days” Arthur’s cheeks inexplicably heated up as he spoke. 

“That’s besides the point anyway Arthur, plenty of Heterosexual Men dance,“ The capital letters were audible. “it’s how they flirt with women, which is a rather inherently heterosexual thing to do.”

Arthur put his hand to his face, thought for a moment, before removing it again, opening his mouth and gesturing with his hand loosely open, it bending over to vaguely point at Ford. A moment later he closed his mouth again, closed his hand and looked up to the top right of his vision, considering how to explain this to the stubborn and oblivious man, using minimal sarcasm and euphemisms. 

The whole time, he refused to look directly at the ridiculous man as he knew that somehow his friend would rope him into something that would end up with Ford passed out on his sofa and Arthur very nearly not making it all the way to bed. Once, the two of them had passed out on top of each other on Arthur’s sofa (thankfully for everyone, Ford had woken up first and extracted himself, and managed to move arthur to his bedroom so the monkey man was none the wiser). Basically, all Ford schemes involved copious amounts of alcohol. 

“That’s different, there’s different rules for 20 year old students who mostly sleep drink and vaguely study, but mostly drink.” There was a pause. “You’re aloud to do that when you’re young, but when you’re our age, you go to your local pub, have a pint, and a chat.” 

I Second That Emotion drifted softly through the tinny speakers behind the bar and Ford’s bones itched to just drag the frigid Arthur to the middle of the room and make him relax a little. However, even ford could see that this would be weird since no one else in the little pub seemed to even notice there was any music playing. 

Ford thought about this argument, and thought he had won because young men are still men, but it turned out Arthur hadn’t finished. 

“-and anyway, those are the people in the city, out here in the stix, where my nearest neighbours are this pub and the village hall 7 miles down the road, it’s not the same world”

Again, Ford went to explain that it is possible to go into town but Arthur persisted. 

“ALSO, it’s never really dancing, it’s just vaguely jumping up and down and making an excuse to get close to someone you like” 

Ford couldn’t argue with the last part of his but wasn’t going to let on. 

“look, Arthur, dancing is amazing and freeing and i know for a fact you do it when you’re cooking so what’s so different about doing it in clubs?”

Arthur flushed slightly at the domestic thought of Ford seeing him dancing badly while cooking. 

“That’s the thing ford, you make me sound like some kind of housewife, i really- i just-“ he floundered “I shouldn’t be doing that. I should be watching adoringly at my beautiful wife making my dinner and dancing softly”

It was ford’s turn to put his head in his hands. ‘Here we go again’ he thought, groaning internally but deciding that that’s a problem for another day, baby steps. 

“come on arthur, let show you people actually dancing and having a great time i promice you’ll enjoy it”

Arthur had made the mistake of looking up at his point and saw ford’s pleading face and felt his resolve slip away. 

“okay, but if I’ve had enough we’re going”

“with a half an hour at least guarantee” Ford countered making himself look as innocent as possible. 

“Fine.” came the reluctant reply

Two weeks later Arthur was pulling out of his drive with his least ‘dad-like’ clothes, as ford put it with ford in the passenger seat looking far too pleased with himself and giving directions to whatever club they were heading to. 

“If a young woman starts to do that weird dancey thing near me, I am going to be turning round and giving her a lecture on avoiding older men.”

“Arthur you’re 30 you’re not exactly an older man.”

“I’m older than those bright young things!”

“You may act and speak like a 50 year old conservative mp but you’re not so pipe down.” he said looking at his friend fondly shaking his head. “I can almost guarantee that won’t happen anyway.” He added at a mumble. 

Arthur opened and closed his mouth a few times in an act that was rather reminiscent of a fish before finally pursing his lips and pausing. He then finally said: 

“I think I should be relieved at that, but it feels slightly like an attack on my masculinity. ”

“Everything feels like an attack on your masculinity to you...” Ford mumbled into his hand. 

“What was that?”

“nothing baby”

After a moment of inner turmoil Arthur quietly replied, “You really need to stop calling me baby, people will talk.”

“Humans do little else, I’m not sure how me calling you, as I do with many people, ‘baby’ makes any difference”

“no, ford, bad- bad talking, speculating, talking that could loose me my job” 

They fell into silence. 

“I can do you a no bad speculating guarantee this evening, and there’s definitely none of your coworkers in this car.” Ford said eventually in a tone that one would usually reserve for a toddler that you feared would throw a tantrum at any moment. 

“Is that okay baby?” he continued playfully when he didn’t get a response. 

The alien wouldn’t have pushed it, if it wasn’t for an incident a few weeks back. While very drunk, the two of them had stumbled into arthur’s little house. Ford had subsequently shouted “HOME SWEET HOME BABY” and fallen straight on his face. Unfortunately, (or fortunately, depending on your point of view), for everyone involved, arthur was leaning on his friend for support, so joined him on the floor. Ford had made a noise like a hurt Minecraft character, rolled over, and dissolved into a fit of giggles. Next to him, Arthur had just stared at him softly and leaned into press his lips to Ford’s ear to speak in a barely audible despite lack of anyone to overhear “When you call me baby it makes me feel rather, lovely.”He’d then started giggling in place of Ford who’d just stopped dead in his tracks, looking down awkwardly at his friend, reassessing every interaction they’d ever had. He wrapped his arm around Arthur’s head- that was now buried in the smaller man’s neck -lightly, and the two of them fell asleep, right there in the hall. 

The next morning, by the time Prefect had woken up, Arthur was already up and about and clearly didn’t remember anything from the night before because he could make eye contact. 

“We both fell asleep in the hall, my head was in the bathroom”

Ford silently thanked a random deity that Arthur didn’t know what position they were in when they fell asleep. 

“Do you remember anything past you nearly killing someone with a dart? Because i’m completely blank.” Arthur enquired, rubbing his head and taking some description of pain killer. 

Ford watched as the taller man threw his head back and his adam’s apple bobbed up and down, thinking carefully before he spoke. 

“not really,” he lied reluctantly. Part of him was sad arthur didn’t know what he admitted, but he knew it was for the best, “Just you nearly fighting the barman to get another round of drinks at one point.” 

Ford was brought out of his memories the feeling of two eyes on him. “Arthur the road!” he shouted and the earthman swung his head back to look for incoming cars face quickly blushing. 

“your curls have gone awry” he muttered so quietly Ford wouldn’t have heard if it wasn’t for the babel fish in his ear amplifying it. 

“thanks baby” he smiled mischievously trying to see quite how red he could make arthur turn. The answer was Very. 

“We’re nearly in london now are you going to tell me where we are going?”

“Er, head for soho, we can drop the car at the premier in on Hopkins Street, I got us a room for the night so we don’t have to worry about getting a cab or collecting the car tomorrow.”

“Crikey.” arthur replied simply 

Soon the pair were walking out of the carpark and down a few side-streets, when the taller man shoved his hands in his jacket pockets and opened a conversation again. 

“you’re really splurging on this, you’re not exactly rolling in money- you get evicted from your apartment at least once a year” He said disjointedly, trying to avoid a simple ‘yes i am’ response and get an explanation.

Ford hummed, his evictions usually had nothing to do with money. Pretty early on, he’d managed to get his guide card to work on earth ATMs so was fairly okay for money- he just liked to live a basic life because it was what he knew. He stopped and turned arthur to face him, doing his best to be stern despite Arthur’s significant height advantage. 

“make it up to me by relaxing this evening, everyone will be laughing with you, not at you. The only reason anyone would judge you is if you start spouting your proper men nonsense.”

Arthur looked taken aback but nodded once curtly and they continued down the street. 

Lights on every side promised various forms of alcohol and company so brightly that it was hard to focus on any one, but these didn’t seem to interest Ford and he lead down another ally to a little door. Above the door was a little sign that made Arthur’s stomach drop to his feet. 

“Ford,” he hissed “this is a, this-“

Ford looked at him expectantly 

“an all men’s club”

“there’s women here too!”

“no i mean a- a gay club”

Ford grinned and replied, as innocently as he could muster, “Is it? I hadn’t noticed.” and walked through the door pausing only to tell the bouncer that this gentleman is Arthur. The bouncer raised a knowing eyebrow and allowed the two of them though, as Dent was left with no choice but to follow. 

Killer queen blasted through speakers that seemed to be in every corner of the club, a mismatched group of people gathered in the middle of the room seemed to be chatting and laughing and dancing, so carefree. Arthur remained tense but felt a small smile creep on to his face. Snapping him out of his thoughts, a young man behind the bar clapped his hand on his back making him jump. 

“Looking a bit tense there bud, can I get you a drink?”

Arthur just stared open mouth failing to produce words as the barman simply studied him. 

“Let me guess, a pint?” 

Shoulders rather more close to his ears than most, the nervous man simply nodded mutely. 

When words finally came to Dent he stuttered out 

“Have you seen my friend? erm- dresses like a granddad-” 

“you’re going to need to narrow it down a bit mate” he chuckled gesturing to the population of theroom “that includes half the lesbians, just use their name, i know most of the people here by name”

“oh uh- ford” 

“oh of course Ford, right” he said trailing off and eventually pointed slap bang in the middle of the dance floor. 

A look of realisation suddenly spread across the barman’s face 

“christ! are you arthur?”

Slightly more relaxed but no less out of his depth, Arthur went red and mumbled a pathetic, “that’s me,” and a moment later, after a desperate swing of his beer, “what on earth has he been saying about me to everyone?”

“can’t reveal that” he said with a wink and grin that made Arthur feel something he couldn’t quite identify. 

“I’m Thomas by the way, resident bartender and shrink.”

With a healthy about of alcohol coursing though his veins, Arthur made his way though the throng of people to Ford, having to tear his eyes off one particularly fascinating arse, to look for his friend’s familiar curls. Eventually, he found him and saw him conversing while gesturing wildly with someone in a leather jacket. Said person looked him up and down, looked over at Ford wild eyed and grinned while punching him in the arm “You didn’t tell me you brought arthur?!” 

“Well you were quite intent on telling me about how ally wouldn’t let you wash your strap in the dishwasher, I’ve hardly got a word in edge ways” Ford replied with no genuine venom. 

“Arthur, deb. Deb, well, you know Arthur” 

Deb was donned in a leather jacket, sported long dreads and looked like she could deck ford in a single strike. She looked between the two of them and strode off, not before whispering something to Ford that made the small man blush a little. 

“Is there a single person in this place who you haven’t told about me?” 

Ford shrugged and gave him a signature smile. 

The rational part of Arthur’s brain was not at all happy about a community of queers knowing about his existence but a small part just did a victory lap that he existed as more than a drinking buddy at the weekend and some knew who’s coach he could crash on. He looked at Ford’s face and how happy he looked, and the rational part of his brain started to shrink. 

‘Shame Shame Shame’ began to play though the speakers and ford practically jumped out of his skin. A massive grin formed on his face and he grabbed a reluctant Arthur’s hand and dragged him into somewhere with a little more space. 

The small man wiggled vaguely in time to the strums of the guitar, moving his arms in a ridiculous motion as Arthur picked up a second pint and downed it. ‘Shame, shame shame, shame, shame, shame shame, a shame on you’ Ford sang along in a register way above what he could reach without a sounding like a strangled cat. As this was happening, Arthur had sat down at the bar, Ford had followed him, picked up a shot, poked arthur’s nose with his finger, and downed the shot before continuing to sing.

‘If you can’t dance too’ 

on this, arthur was once again hauled into the space, but this time he didn’t let go of his hands and moved him from side to side.As time went on, the taller man started to loosen up and enjoy himself, he wasn’t fully dancing but wasn’t dead weight either, he allowed himself to be lead by his companion and used the opportunity to watch Ford having fun. 

During the next song, - ‘You Make Me Feel (mighty real)’ Ford span arthur round and danced them towards the bar. Arthur was backed against the bar as Ford leant over and grabbed two shots. The whole time, Arthur’s body felt like it was on fire with the feeling of his friend’s body almost completely flush against his own, and leant his forehead against Ford’s shoulder, despite only being on 2 beers. This caused an eyebrow raise from Thomas, and Ford wiggles his own back to communicate “I told you” 

When Arthur raised his head again, Ford handed him the shot and raised his own glass and they drank. “That’s your last drink though i don’t want you going to crazy on me”

In reality, Ford was curious as to what would happen with him only on a few drinks, alcohol may not change you but he didn’t want to completely intoxicate the guy. 

For a few moments they didn’t move and arthur simply gazed up and said “thank you” and no further explanation was needed. 

Sounding again like a distressed rodent, Ford sang along to the song and dragged arthur reluctantly to his feet. To Arthur, the atmosphere was absolutely intoxicating and watched as his friend high fived people as they passed. While talking to one guy who arthur wasn’t paying attention to, Ford span himself into arthur’s arms and a bystander wolf whistled. This made the earthman feel slightly odd and his face flush red. He lifted his chin from where he’d subconsciously rested it on Ford’s head and cleared his throat pitifully and declared “erm- I’m straight by the way- I uh- he dragged me here” there was a lot of eye rolling and ‘sure you are buddy’ and he felt the stress returning to his body. Everything suddenly felt very loud and close and sweaty and loud and bright and he tore off to the toilet in the corner of the room.The last thing he heard before slamming the door behind him was Ford’s distant groan and, “I may have to kill you” 

The little alien walked over to the bar to complain to Thomas about how it was a miracle he got so comfortable so quickly and now it was all destroyed. Ford Prefect wasn’t very proactive with people having mental breakdowns. 

On the other side of the bar, Arthur Dent was leant against the inside of a bathroom door breathing deeply and trying to sort the events of the evening so far, over in his head. 

Part of him knew that he liked men. A tiny part buried deep, deep, down, but it was there none the less. The rest of him assumed he’d find the right woman one day and settle down, start a family, the normal progression. Unfortunately, this was also the part of his brain that thought he had a career past the menial research department of BBC radio. Over the evening he’d been having a great time and just got out of his head, or rather out of the large part of his head and into the tiny locked away box. He thought about the way he’d felt flush against Ford, how he’d felt when implied they were a couple, the flush on his face when one of the other guys had seemingly checked him out, the way his stomach felt like it was a few stone lighter when watching Ford have a good time- 

His thoughts were cut off by someone clearing their throat. “Are you going to let me out?”

It quickly transpired that that person was Deb. 

Arthur opened and closed his mouth a few times, trying to form sentences “erm- is this not the men’s?” he asked. 

“what even is gender?” came the perplexing reply “Actually, don’t answer that, just trust me when i say no one cares what it says on that door round here.”

A moment passed. 

“Well? Are you going to tell me why you’re barricading the door or just let me out?” 

“Oh i just- uh- quite- yes” he moved away from the door but Deb didn’t walk though it. 

“Right Mr, tell me what you’re thinking, because Ford is my friend, and he likes you, but i know he won’t come looking for you, because he’s got some theory about letting you sort yourself out but i’m going to be direct”

“I- Uh-“ he fumbled pathetically. When no further words came, Deb decided to soldier on. 

“You remind me of my wife.” She said simply, causing arthur to flap his jaw even more. 

“well excuse you miss, i’m not your wife, if anything you’d be MY wife” he said with a small nod as if ticking a mental list. 

“oh good god he wasn’t kidding about, you really are like ally when i first met her”

Arthur looked dumbfounded 

“I don’t mean you remind me of the type of person i’d marry- you’re a bit too male for starters - I mean you remind me of the woman who is my wife”

“well, you can’t have a wife you’re a woman” he retorted

Deb rubbed her temples and looked up at the ceiling and muttered a quick ‘Ford Prefect, you owe me so many drinks little man’

“he is rather small” arthur said quietly, and deb elected to ignore that. 

“What do you think of when i say marriage?” she asked slowly 

“well, uh, money is all together, you’re each other’s next of kin, you live together, have kids, all that stuff”

“well I mean Wife, in the sense that we wear rings and are committed to each other, Wife in the eyes of our little community- my little family- but not, as you know, in the eyes of the law”

“So your parents give you their blessing for this?” Arthur said, trying not too look too jealous.

“not exactly- word of advice, don’t ask about parents too much around here”

“i thought you said family?” 

“chosen family arthur”

“you can’t choo-“ he was 

shushed. 

“one step at a time”

“I-“

She motion zipping her lips and his mouth snapped shut. 

“Ally, my wife, when we met, she would call me slurs, she wouldn’t say gay out loud, she’d get drunk and kiss me and then refuse to talk about it the next day. I have dragged her kicking and screaming through all that and now, I’m telling you’re going to bash though this mental wall”

Arthur looked taken aback and thought for a moment, he couldn’t imagine being like these people, he just wasn’t cut out for it. Quickly, he corrected himself, he wasn’t like them anyway. He thought about all the men out there beyond that door and he felt like he may be sick, the blood drained from his face, he felt off balance, he couldn’t be thinking about this in the stingy bathroomof a gay club with the close friend of the guy he likes just staring at him. Tears welled to his eyes, he’d never even put liking ford into a proper sentence before, even mentally, and he felt himself slide down the door and put his head in his hands. Tears welled to his eyes and alcohol coursed casually though his bloodstream making his vision bury and resolve weak. 

Deb couched down next to him and patted his back weakly. 

“Think out loud dude, it helps.”

Arthur let out a shakey breath

“I’ve known for so long...”

“be explicit babe”

“Why does everyone round here say baby so much?”

“We’re not afraid to show friendly affection?”

“oh” He said, doing his best not to sound winey, ford was just being friendly then. 

“I’m going to leave the room and I promise you, I’m not abandoning you.”

As promised, Deb went out of the door and Arthur buried his head between his knees. He felt pathetic, sobbing in a bathroom at 30, what would his mother think of him. Oh dear god, he thought, he did not need her in his head right now. Somewhere in the back of his head, he heard something shout, “FORD PREFECT” and he told it to shut up about ford prefect, and that he knew that he was part of the matter in hand, but he didn’t want to think about his stupid face and soft hair. This exchange continued despite the fact that the original comment wasn’t actually made by his own head. 

It was in fact made by a frustrated lesbian who was about to drag a man with very poor people skills to deal with his boyfriend that didn’t know he was his boyfriend. 

“Ford Prefect” she reiterated, “I’ve done this once this is your responsibility.” 

Ford splutted as his drink was yanked from his hands and downed by deb and she belched loudly to punctuate this. 

“I can’t do this,” he said wide eyes, “I thought some alcohol and disco would help matters”

“well, it did help, i think he nearly admitted he was gay out loud earlier”

“So what’s the issue?”

“don’t tell me you’ve never experienced internalised homophobia, he’s a mess!” 

“no, i haven’t, actually, so i’m finding it rather hard to understand this situation”

“you’re inhuman” deb said exasperated 

“i know i am” he replied sadly, into the space that his drink used to occupy. He was too drunk to care and he just wanted off this backwards plannet. 

“just go get him, he’s in pieces,” 

Ford opened his mouth to protest but deb raised one finger and he snapped his mouth shut again, “I know you think you’re bad at comforting people but just give him a pat on the back man, he’ll probably have verbal diarrhoea.”

With a huff, he took off to the toilets at a light jog. 

“how’s it going baby” he said brightly, crouching down in front of Arthur, who had his head still between his knees and his face was puffy from crying. The question seemed to start arthur crying all over again and he threw his head into the middle of the small man’s chest. Ford wrapped his arms round his head awkwardly and let him cry. 

“I don’t want this to be me” he said eventually, into ford’s mismatch shirt. Unfortunately, what ford heard was “ibo vant bis ube me”. Fortunately, the babel fish cared more about the intention to speak than the actual words said. Unfortunately, Ford had no clue what he meant by it, and simply patted him on the head weakly. Arthur looked up from the awkward position he was in and Ford looked down in turn doing his best not to look bemused. 

“I think you’re beautiful you know.” Arthur muttered, catching Ford off guard and making tears well in his eyes also. 

“oh?” he managed to choke out in reply 

“Yeah,” The earth man sighed weakly, hitting his head against his friend’s chest, “and i hate that.” 

“trying hard not to take offence”

“I just said you’re beautiful, there’s no pleasing some people.” retorted arthur in his most signature tone. Despite himself, he started to laugh as Ford simply watched with a smile on his face, astounded at himself for finding this man attractive. Without warning, laughing morphed into sobbing again and Arthur just said “oh god”. 

They stayed just like that for a few minutes: arthur sobbing, and Ford doing his best to offer some sort of comfort.Eventually, arthur managed words once more. 

“I don’t want to loose my job, or my friends, or my house, or my routine.” 

“you won’t-“

“I just want to live my normal life, but-“ he seemed to be searching for words to express what he wanted and eventuality alighted on “hold your hand occasionally” 

Ford stared, and tears came to his eyes thinking about the simplicity and innocence that wish. He grabbed Arthur’s hand awkwardly and brought it up to his lips softly, barely even touching. 

“You can do that, I swear, Ally - deb’s wife - she works as a secretary, as far as everyone is concerned she is just a heterosexual woman living with a roommate. She doesn’t even come here- isn’t really her scene.” 

Arthur looked like he was considering this. 

“please give me a chance” 

Ford had a pleading look in his eyes that Arthur didn’t quite recognise, all trace of mischief was missing, he seemed sincere and serious. 

“wait... Are you saying you like- like me?” He felt rather childish saying it like that but how else do you ask out your friend of 4 years- ‘fancy getting a coffee some time’ doesn’t quite cut it. 

Ford would have kissed him at this point, a simple answer, but he suspected they weren’t quite there yet. Instead he said: “That night we passed out in the corridor, we fell asleep snuggled together, and it’s the most like home i’ve ever felt in about 14 years.” 

“Can we go back to the hotel?” Arthur asked, voice very small, lifting himself up so he was sat down. 

“Of course baby” 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is such pure brain rot and self indulgent i’m so sorry people

Arthur took a minute or two to compose himself, threw water on his face and took deep breaths. Ford took Arthur’s hands between his own, and at looked him meaningfully. Arthur could have sworn he saw a purple tint in his companion’s eyes, and drunkenly wondered how his eyes could hold so much magic. Eventually, Arthur took a deep breath and they exited the bathroom. 

They made their way back to the hotel in a comfortable silence, neither wanting to breach the topic of what just happened, incase they had somehow imagined it. Safely in the lift, Ford slipped his hand into Arthur’s. For the duration of the tripthey stood there with red faces in silence like teenagers, until the lift dinged and Arthur pulled his hand away like it was on fire and retrieved the keycard from his wallet. 

The room was fairly basic, with two single beds with a nightstand between them, there was a small bathroom attached and a wardrobe. 

“Part of me is surprised you got a room with two beds.” Arthur said, and laughed- mostly for lack of anything else to do. 

“i didn’t know what would happen this evening, and i didn’t really want you to hate me forever so... this was a safer option. Also-“ he stopped, but Arthur figured out what he was going to say. 

“yeah, you’re not very inconspicuous...”. 

A wave of nausea washed over the earthman and he sat down suddenly groaning into his hands. 

“What am i doing here? If someone from work sees me...” he trailed off to breathe raggedly. 

“They’ll assume you’re on a bender with that alcoholic friend of yours.” 

Arthur looked at his little friend desperately but felt himself relex at the familiar sight, despite how silly he looked looking awkwardly round the room. He knew Ford wasn’t very good with emotions but he did his best. A moment later, he stood up and wrapped his arms found the shorter man, and rested his chin on his head. Ford dared not move, lest he break whatever spell was working right now, however he was very tired and hadn’t drunk nearly enough to pull and all nighter. 

“I’m very comfortable but we should go to sleep, did you bring anything to sleep in?”

“I did!” he nodded, exited at his own preparedness. Unfortunately, the nodding jostled Arthur’s head and he bit his tongue. 

Ford excitedly pulled two sets of pjs from his backpack and proffered one to Arthur with a grin on his face. His face suddenly dropped when he saw the pain on his friend’s face and enquired after what was the matter. 

“oh bothing...” he grimaced, speaking with his tongue half out of his mouth. “I shust bit by bong when you bushed off.” 

Ford panicked and ran off to find some kind of remedy, leaving arthur feeling rather ridiculous standing like a dog with his tongue hanging out, in the middle of a hotel room. After not too long- although Arthur’s dried out mouth begged to differ, Ford emerged from the bathroom with a melting ice-cube cradled in his hand. The taller man stood there with his mouth open trying to figure out what the plan was, in order to stop it if necessary. A moment to late he realised what was about to happen. Ford unceremoniously shoved the cube into his mouth, using two fingers to keep it in place and his other hand to push his jaw up to trap it in place. He had clearly not thought ahead because he then realised his fingers were still in Arthur’s mouth. 

Seconds felt like hours and they just stood there. Arthur’s brain sounded something like a motzart piece if you copy every page of the sheet music onto one set of staves and then a 5 year old attempted to play it on a violin. Ford’s brain sounded like a vogon poetry recital with no babel fish to translate. They stared at each other. 

“does that feel any better?” 

The only response was a mute nod, and the movement seemed to remind the alien of their predicament and yanked his fingers back towards himself. The silence became uncomfortable and Ford began to talk nonsense about how the pjs were the biggest pair he had, then scampered off to the bathroom to get changed. 

The ice cube had now completely melted and Arthur swallowed the water sitting in his mouth and grabbed the pjs, pain completely forgotten. He pulled his shirt off and attempted to replace it with the black cotton t-shirt provided by Ford. Unfortunately, he couldn’t get it past his shoulders and was stuck with his hands in the air, trapped and head covered. It was at that moment that Mr Prefect chose to return to the main room, and was lost to a fit of laughter at the sight he was greeted with. 

“oh, poor baby, do you need a hand?” 

“kindly refrain from making fun i’m in a serious predicament.” came the muffled response, causing Ford to crease.

He made his way over to help, deliberately slowly, talking himself out of tickling the gangly man. First, he pulled the shirt over the back of his head so his arms could be lowered. 

“Hi” He said with a grin. 

“just get me out of here will you” arthur asked rolling his eyes and pretending he wasn’t actually smiling. 

“you’re just going to have to sleep in your underwear” 

While staring at the black void of the inside of the t-shirt, Arthur had already figured this out. 

“you know,” he countered sheepishly, but spurred on by the remnants of the alcohol in his system “it’s not fair if you get pjs and i don’t, are you not an advocate of equality?” a hint of mischief in his voice. Ford cocked an eyebrow but simply said, “i guess you’re right, what kind of socialist would i be” and pulled his pjs off again. 

It felt particularly alien to arthur to be looking at a man’s chest, and not trying to tell himself was wasnt enjoying it, or more commonly, simply looking in the exact opposite direction in a very clear way so any observer would know he was a Heterosexual man who Did Not Care about Men. Even now, he couldn’t quite allow himself to look straight forward, and felt a slight redness creep into his cheeks. Finally it became slightly too much and span round and rolled into the bed nearest to him, pulling the sheets up to his shoulders, and listened to ford follow suit in the other bed. 

After a few minutes and many shifts in position, his head racing, Arthur felt that he couldn’t get comfortable. He quietly padded across the room,and settled in the small space at the edge of the other bed. 

“please can you hold me?” the timid man whispered, barely audible. 

Ford immediately shifted to allow the extra body into his arms and spoke with his lips to Arthur’s ear. 

“I’ve been waiting 2 years for you to ask me that” 

The feeling of skin on skin was intoxicating but in a way that meant arthur thought he may never sleep any other way again. 

Barely 5 minutes passed and they were both fast asleep. 

Sun streamed though the curtains and into Ford’s eyes, waking him up. He looked down at Arthur’s still sleeping form and appreciated peaceful he looked, gangly limbs clinging to him like a sloth- or more accurately, a man who hasn’t been embraced by someone he likes for a very long time. Following a random impulse, he placed a soft kiss to the skin below arthur’s neck. The clock on the wall ticked round for 2 hours and neither man moved other than Arthur trying to get closer in his sleep. 

Breaking the bubble, a knock came on the door, Arthur’s eyes flew open and Ford swore loudly. 

“Can you come back? We’re still here!” He shouted, as politely as possible knowing it wasn’t the cleaner’s fault. It was half 2 by that point after all. 

“Okay, i’ll come back round in an hour.” she replied. 

The panicked human jumped out of bed and started grabbing clothes. 

“Don’t hotels usually have an 11:30 eviction rule?” he asked groggily, and stared at the clock demanding it give up its secrets “we better hurry, i assume its past that time”

Ford got up sleepily and placed his hands on Arthur’s sides. 

“I got the room for two nights.Don’t worry baby, we’ve got all day.”

The taller man’s shoulders dropped, and his clothes along with them. He bent down pathetically and leant his forehead on his friend’s shoulder. 

“Why is everything in my life so stressful?” He grumbled 

“Because you make it so.”

“No, because you don’t tell me anything.”

“I’m not always with you.” ford pointed out, his brain adding a silent, ‘sadly’. 

“touché”

When his heart had returned to a healthy rate, Arthur gathered his discarded clothes and began to get dressed, 

“Ford what are we doing today because this shirt is creased and stinks of beer”

“ah,” he hesitated, “perhaps my preparation wasn’t as thorough as i thought...” 

Arthur put a hand to his face but had stressed too much on the last 12 hour for this to cause too much bother. 

“Right, so i guess our plans now are find some clothes.” 

Hoping he hadn’t miscalculated the situation, Ford responded by standing on his tiptoes and placing a quick kiss on Arthur’s cheek. Arthur grinned a smile that seemed to encapsulate his whole face, and surprised himself by being able to form a coherent sentence. 

“Hey, slowdown there buster, buy me dinner first” 

Ford flustered at this, and still didn’t see the smile plastered across the taller man’s face. 

“oh yeah sorry traditional earth things“ Ford mumbled looking down

“hey no i was joking, hey look at me”

He did as much, and met Arthur’s eyes. Some kind of new confidence seemed to be flowing in the room: Arthur leant down, and laid a chasté kiss to ford’s lips and stood back up. Arthur looked incredibly smug (slightly lessened by the dusting off red across his cheeks), and watched fondly as ford brought a shakey hand to his lips. 

“I do plan to get that dinner though, although I shall be buying it for you.”

Ford span round, as Arthur had strode across the room to the door, clearly a man on a mission for a clean shirt. He decided the sentiment mixed up in the previous statement was an issue for another day, (considering how much of a difference a nights sleep had made). If he was honest, he hasn’t thought this far ahead in the plan, but decided to go with the flow, and get a free dinner out of it. He ran after Arthur, throwing on his clothes. 

“Do you have a plan then?” 

“er not really, i just wanted to storm out dramatically and see how quickly you’d put clothes on to follow me”

At this point, arthur looked sideways and saw how disheveled his friend looked and snorted. The lift dinged and they walked in and hit the ground floor button quickly to close the doors. Arthur reached over and began to sort out Ford’s mess of an outfit: straightened out his blazer’s collar, opened the belt to thread it though his trousers’ loops, made an attempt to flatten his hair- all while Ford redid his shirt that he had haphazardly fastened incorrectly.The lift dinged once more and Arthur yanked his hands out of Ford’s hair as the doors opened and the smile fell of his face. 

“Nowhere is going to let us in looking like this, i feel like i’m doing the walk of shame.” 

“We did sleep together.” Ford said matter of factly as they left the hotel lobby. 

“Not in the way people will think, and, will you think before you speak.” Arthur replied sourly. 

“You overestimate how much attention people pay to you.”

“Yours is a strategy of high risk and low gain.”

“I know what i’m doing.”

“Years of stitching you up for mystery injuries you refuse to explain to me begs to differ.”

Silence. 

“That was uncalled for.”

Further silence. 

“You’re such an asshole sometimes.”

This caused something in arthur to snap. 

“Well i apologise for not wanting to get beaten up.” 

They had just arrived in front of a normal looking clothes shop and Ford looked across looking slightly like a hurt puppy. 

“well we won’t be shopping in very similar sections go get your boring clothes” He strode off without looking back. 

Arthur screwed up his face and let out a low groan. His brain screamed at him to stop trying to ruin any scrap of happiness he had, but he knew he couldn’t cope with anything public, he struggled enough in private. The formerly locked away segment of his brain that seemed to have burst open and spread to any rational section remaining, screamed at him to follow his friend; ‘wait is that the correct descriptor?’ his thoughts intruded, ‘good god would you be quiet’ his more conscious thoughts countered forcefully, and Mr Dent decided to actually pursue some form of happiness for the first time in his miserable life. 

One would assume that Ford Prefect, known on one plannet as ‘that bloke who wore a shirt so bright it made one of Johnny’s sister’s boy’s heads shrink a bit’, would be easy to spot in a crowd. However, this doesn’t account for the location of the crowd, a clothes dedicated charity shop in soho. The crowd was a swarm of Ford Prefects, and HIS ford prefect was tiny, it was like looking for a shrub in a forest. Arthur’s thoughts did a little lap around the stages of grief when he realised he had referred to ford as ‘his’, but he would like credit for alighting on acceptance so quickly. 

After about 10 minutes, Arthur found the shrub. He was looking at a rack of clothes. ‘Looking’ was a rather loose term for what he was doing, as he looked like a student pretending to think about their homework to look productive, but in reality they’re thinking about how many bricks there are on the wall directly opposite them- or in Ford’s case, how many Arthur Dents he can throttle with this pair of jeans. Unfortunately, Arthur was unaware of this thought process and softly tapped him on the shoulder. 

“Agh!” said Ford in mock scandal “Don’t come to close! You might get beaten up!” 

Arthur went a strange shade of red and gazed up to the sky determined not to cry. 

“look I’m sorry, this is really hard for me- not 48 hours ago I was still telling myself I was, you know, normal-“ he looked around frantically but no one payed them any attention “I swear I am trying and you’re very important to me even if I don’t show it, so, there” 

Ford looked up and gave him a smile

“okay! Do you like this?” he asked. The little man was holding up a shirt with square patches of different colours strewn, as far as arthur could see, completely randomly across the garment. Still very confused about what the hell just happened, arthur nodded mutely and managed his best supportive “it looks lovely dear”. 

Arthur watched as his partner’s smile finally reached his eyes and felt himself crack a smile to match. 

“I’ve got something for you too but it’s a surprise.” 

“I rather think i should choose my own I’d like to be vaguely presentable.”

Ford raised an eyebrow “thinly veiled insult there”

“no I mean like you look cute in that stuff, I would just look ridiculous, lanky and like i’m having a mid life crisis.”

There was no response for a moment so arthur decided to give more reasons, but he didn’t get very far before he was interrupted. 

“Baby! You think i’m cute!” he said in mock scandal “wow do you have a crush on me? Oh how embarrassing.” 

Arthur looked around once more, eyes wide, but noticed that still no one was giving them a second look. 

“oh shut up” he muttered and walked off to find a normal, clean shirt with Ford in tow. 

“Arthur wait, you’re trying to apologise arent you? well then...”

“oh good lord i knew you hadn’t just dropped that so quickly”

“I can, and will, use your indiscretions as bargaining chips, and be warned, you’ve called me all manner of things, I recon i’ll make it to 50 before I run out of guilt trips” 

“Would saying sorry make any difference?” He enquired, not really caring as the newly liberated ‘ford’ section of his brain thought about them being 50 and still together. 

“absolutely not” Ford confirmed,fixing him with the type of smile that only he could muster, that gave people the unnerving impression that he was about to go for their neck. Arthur had to continually remind himself that he wasn’t actually going to kill him. Probably. 

“actions speak louder than words baby”

Arthur groaned for what felt like the 50th time in the last 48 hours and asked himself, why this man of all of them, he then looked up to the sight of Ford already in animated conversation with another costumer about the origin of the universe and this particular shade of green, and thought, oh yeah. 

The unfortunately smitten man watched his companion speak with his whole body, as he usually did, and inform the other customer that she should tell him if she ever saw any flying saucers- especially green ones. To her credit, she took this in her stride and only looked like she was about to call the authorities to get Ford sectioned once. Eventually (mercifully for everyone who wasn’t an alien) the conversation ended and Ford payed for their purchases, refusing to allow Arthur to pay or even come to the till with him because it was a suprise- which made Dent rather nervous. 

They continued down the high-street in search of some kind of nourishment, since they technically hadn’t had breakfast yet. Eventually, they found themselves in a cramped greasy spoon, and settled on a corner table. Arthur perused the menu and realised that they looked very well placed here with yesterday’s shirts on and silently wondered what he had become- he usually hated these kind of places, but Ford had seemed keen and he appreciated how busy it was- he didn’t like the feeling of being the only people in a cafe (and mid afternoon only the people with hangovers were eating).Ford put his menu down decisively and looked at arthur impatiently so he guiltily followed suit. A disheveled looking waiter sidled up to them with a pad and looked expectantly. When both the waiter and Ford just stared and said nothing, Arthur cleared his thought hesitantly. 

“erm, fried egg on toast please, sunny side up.”

Ford thought that Arthur sounded more like an alien doing an impression of an englishman than him, and wondered how the hell he got by on a day to day basis. 

“okay, anything to drink?”

“water, please” added lamely

“and you?”

“i’ll have 3 rounds of brown bread please some scrabbled eggs, and a chicken and chips meal with a coke.” He listed off with no trace of apology in his voice. “Oh and a cheese toastie” He smiled his terrifying smile and the poor waiter scuttled off without even attempting to up-sell. 

At almost the same time, the two men began to speak 

“should we do that thing where we state the obvious no-“

“ford you just bought the whole shop what were you thi-“

Arthur put his head in his hands and suddenly remembered why they only ever went to the pub. 

“why did you order so much food” he tried again 

“i’m a growing boy” ford explained simply, looking innocent 

“ford you’re-“ he paused when he realised he had no idea when the other man’s birthday was, let alone his birth year. “- actualy how old are you?”

“oh, you know...”

“do i?”

“yeah.”

Silence. 

“well then, that’s me told”

Ford sat back and hummed contentedly while arthur just stared, perplexed, but knowing he shouldn’t have expected anything less. 

“You are rather odd,” arthur stated quietly, with his head propped up on his hand, “to quote you a few days ago.” he added as if it made the sudden sentence any less strange. 

“I have been told that, yes.”

Ford responded with a soft smile looking over go meet Arthur’s eyes. 

“You have very nice eyes you know” ford said softly “I don’t think i’ve actually said now lovely you are.” 

“i- uh- well- you’re welcome?“ arthur sputtered, flushing. 

A moment of silence passed between them as the ridiculous reply seemed to flash in front of their faces. Once the sentence had done a lap round the table and reached Arthur again, he groaned and put his head in his arms. Ford however, started laughing hysterically. 

“you’re welcome?” he weezed between breaths. 

Arthur continued to bang his head on the table and mumbled “What is my life?” into his arms. 

The alien continued to snort “A* for confidence”. 

After what felt like years to Arthur, Ford managed to stop laughing and he put his head on the table sideways. 

“what’s so great about this table?”

“this is what most humans call embarrassment Ford, and kindly allow me to wallow”

Ford did a mental double take and scanned the sentence over in his head. 

“Wait,” he said abruptly, “do you know?”

Arthur looked up, eyebrows furrowed. 

“know what?”

“that i’m not human?” 

“oh you’re very funny” Arthur rolled his eyes and sat back. 

“oh”

Arthur could have sworn Ford looked genuinely saddened, but that man was really a mystery, so thought nothing of it.

A minute or so of silence passed comfortably, smiles plastered on their faces, just content in each other’s company. 

“do you have a plan for dinner then good sir?” Ford asked, breaking the silence 

“well i haven’t really had much chance to look into it, does that mean we’re uh, going on a dinner er, dinner date?” Arthur responded, muttering the final words into his hand. 

“well, you demand that i buy you din-“

“no, i’ll buy you dinner” 

“yeah whatever, you said i can’t kiss you properly until we go out for dinner so i’m keen to complete that task” Ford said matter of factly. He moved his legs round arthur’s, a discrete form of intimacy. Arthur’s face warmed up again, he felt like a shade of scarlet was his new skin tone. Without either of them noticing, the waiter sidled up to their table and cleared his throat. Arthur sprang away from where he had sat forward and yanked his feet close to him and looked up. 

“Would you like all your food at the same time or whenever it’s ready?” He asked, either not noticing or not caring what had been occurring before he had arrived. 

“Anytime it’s ready would be great.” ford told him, face impassive. 

Arthur just looked panicked. 

Once he had left, arthur squeaked “You need to be more careful.” 

“You started it baby, anyway were in soho no one cares.”

“What if someone does?”

“Then i’ll deal with them.” Ford stated with rolled eyes and a flicked hand, as if this was obvious. He noticed Arthur’s eyebrows, and that they’d migrated up to his hairline. “They don’t want a scene in a cafe do they, don’t you worry your pretty little head.”

“See! This is what i mean! Anyone could be listening!”

“You’re making it worse for yourself, people make jokes about their friends all the time, and anyway, homophobic people- or even all heterosexual people tend to filter any homosexuality out, explain it away when it’s right in front of their face.” Ford lectured, ‘much like how you make nothing of my continuous allusions to me not being strictly human’, he thought but did not say. “So we might as well use it to our advantage.” 

“You sound awfully militant, surprising you stayed friends with me for so long.”

“Did you forget? You’re not one of them.”

“oh god” arthur said dumbly “I do need to reassess some major life principals.” 

“You do that.” ford said simply, sitting back and wondering how many times they were going to have this conversation. He knew he shouldn’t have been surprised. For one, he knew how uptight humans were at the best of times, and Arthur, well, Arthur couldn’t live in london without coming close to a full mental break. 

Shortly after, the waiter appeared again with arthur’s fried eggs and ford’s scrambled eggs and toast. While Arthur thanked him and smiled awkwardly, Ford had already began to tuck into his food, or more accurately, shovelled his scrambled eggs onto his toast and folded it over into a very sloppy sandwich. The excess eggs slipped back onto the plate and some escaped out of the other side of when he bit into it. Eggs were out of control and Arthur realised they were never going to have an uneventful dinner that evening. 

They ate in silence as more and more of Ford’s feast arrived and filled their small table. To his credit, Ford basically inhaled the food, allowing some plates to be piled up but his table manners didn’t improve by any stretch of the imagination. At one point, he slouched back, and put his feet in arthur’s lap. This caused the englishman to try and start a conversation to occupy his mind from shoving them off by reflex, since he had been convinced by Ford’s speech to an extent (and anyway no one in this cafe was hang over free enough to be looking at anything other than their coffee and their own table, very close up).Ford soon sat up again to gain easier access to his food and Arthur was once again able to from sentences. 

“I’m not so sure about the dinner plan latter” he said carefully 

Ford looked up fork midway between his plate and mouth, although they admittedly weren’t very far apart. He raised his eyebrows then they dropped again, along with his fork and feet and he sat up straight. 

“You’re not having second thoughts are you?” he asked with a look that Arthur suspected could convince that tory leader, Thatcher her name was, to support gay rights. 

“Oh no my dear, i’m just simply wondering if a different, setting, would be more, comfortable for you.” 

“Restraunta usually have pretty comfortable seats.”

“I mean, you’re table manners, I don’t think you really know the social norms of such an establishment.”

Ford looked incredulous “Do you think i’ve never had a date before?”

“i mean-“

“okay fair enough I haven’t, strictly, but i know what to do, don’t be patronising.”

“Well I don’t want you to have to adhere to social norms or whatever you go on about, but in a restaurant you could get kicked out for being messy,” Arthur said trying and failing at the last minute not to look at the food running down ford’s chin. “I’m just trying to do what would be enjoyable for you.” 

“you can just say you’re embarrassed of me you know,”

Ford said, but seemed to consider this momentarily, and responded before arthur could refute this. “If you want to go for a fancy meal we shall do so, and I shall be the most socially acceptable man this side of magrathea” 

“magrathea?”

“Old probably fake plannet used to scare kids?” Ford hazarded, before seeing arthur’s absolutely incredulous face and he remembered where he’d been for the last 14 years. “Oh never mind, point is i’ll be the image of a proper english gentleman.” He put on an exaggerated english accent, but it was lost on arthur because the babel fish meant arthur heard him as having borderline received pronunciation anyway. 

“Okay, but I’ll kick you if you’re doing something wrong, okay?” 

By this point ford had managed to demolish all his food and they payed and departed back to the hotel. 

Back in their room, arthur remembered he was to be donned in Ford’s choice of a shirt and felt a jolt of dread once again. 

“Put me out of my misery then, what have you picked out”

“I think you’ll like it!” Ford said giving an exaggerated frown.

“Don’t give me that face, I know you’ll have picked something horrible.”

“ye of little faith” 

“Right, whatever, hand it over and I can assess the damage.”

The alien’s eyes glinted and he smiled maniacally. 

“Oh good lord.” arthur said simply 

“close your eyes, i’m going to put it on you”

Arthur’s fish impression made a revival and he spluttered but didn’t protest, and closed his eyes. 

“I am not, going to enjoy this.”

This was intended to sound assertive and a statement directed at his small conniving friend, but came out moreas an incantation or an instruction to his own body.Ford delicate hands unbuttoned his shirt and pushed it of his shoulders, taking the opportunity to run his hands down arthur’s arms. He leant closer, standing on his toes, so his lips were hovering just above the taller man’s ear. Hair on arthur’s arms and neck involuntarily stood on end. 

“Are you ticklish?” Ford whispered, before corpsing into a fit of giggles. 

Arthur’s eyes flew open and his crossed his arms across his bare chest. 

“You’re so rude, and anyway i should probably get a shower so if you’ll excuse me.”

Ford pouted once again but allowed him to stalk off to the bathroom. 

“i’m taking that as a yes” 

The Betelgeusian lay back on the bed and listened to the flow of the shower, realising that he hadn’t thought about looking up to check for flying saucers all day, but not even worrying if he’d missed one. For a moment, he dared entertain the idea of being happy on this backwards backwater planet. Hoever, he didn’t dare for too long and jumped to to get dressed himself, (alien biology and technology was rather useful in situations with limited shower opportunities) 

Arthur emerged with dripping hair, trousers already on and towel grasped awkwardly over his chest. Hitchhiker instinct, ford noted. 

“I forgot to take the shirt with me” Arthur said quietly. 

“I wouldn’t have given it to you anyway”

“I thought as much”

“come here then baby” ford beckoned, almost swaggering towards Arthur. 

Arthur responded by swallowing very hard, flushing completely red and shuffling slowly and almost involuntarily. This reaction went straight on file in the head of one short alien, but he just told him to close his eyes and turn round. Ford pulled the shirt over arthur’s arms, with some difficulty, being more acquainted with the reverse of this process. What he was doing felt disproportionately intimate, and comfortably domestic simultaneously and it made ford’s brain feel a little fuzzy. Final button done up, and arms round arthur’s high shoulders awkwardly, Ford lingered in the strange hug and rested his head on arthur’s back. 

“you were a very comfy pillow last night” 

Arthur spluttered, not particularly enjoying thinking about how comfortable he’d felt the previous evening, but the increasingly overpowering part of his brain that was keeping him going, threw a glass of water on him and told him being happy was okay. Ford chuckled lightly, head still connected to his back. 

“you can say you’re welcome this time”

“erm yes, quite, that”

Ford lifted his head and shook it

“what am i going to do with you mr dent”

Arthur mourned the loss of human contact, (‘saving’ himself for ‘the right woman’ had taken its tol) 

“sorry i’m just n-“

“oh no baby i’m not mad i’m just getting your tie”

“oh- i- uh-“ Arthur stuttered, feeling particularly childish and ridiculous. 

Ford pulled on Arthur’s tie and told him he could open his eyes. 

“no looking down though, just look at me” 

Arthur opened his eyes and looked at ford, concentrating on the knot he was tying, he even had his tongue sticking out slightly. Unfortunately, this just about did it for arthur and he had to look upwards and think about pink elephants- also known as the first thing that came to mind that wasn’t Ford- lest his brain turn to mush from the sheer volume of his brain taken up thinking about his friend, he refused to succumb to memorising any more of his face, or more, inventive, things.These things we’re 100% not being thought about right now, they were being not thought about with so much gusto that Ford had to yank the tie that he’d finished tying to notify Arthur. 

He snapped his head down to meet ford’s eyes. 

“hello” he said softly. 

The smaller looked at the tie still in his hand and pulled it slightly to shorten the gap between them, giving arthur a brief chance to pull back if he wanted to. He softly learnt up and matched his lips to his, then quickly rocked back into his heals, he grinned like a teenager. 

“the restraint i am showing is unforese-“ 

The rest of the sentence was cut of by Arthur leaning forwards before he thought too much and kissing him back. The kiss lasted slightly longer but was still very service level and felt strangely innocent to Ford, but revolutionary to Arthur. 

“you brag too much” 

Arthur’s hand lingered in Ford’s hair where he’d instinctually shoved it, he rested his arm on the shorter man’s shoulder and fiddled absent-mindedly. 

“Let’s get you to a mirror.” ford said suddenly, smile turning from soft to mildly maniac. 

Arthur had completely forgotten about that, but didn’t look down, true to his word, eyes focused on Ford. 

The shirt was surprisingly non offensive, it was rather more patterned and fitted than Arthur would have chosen, but he had imagined worse. It was mostly black, with burgandy splatters, but it felt rather tasteful, and actually seemed to fit on the shoulders- while he was used to excess material on either side due to his disproportionate height. 

“How did you manage to get this to fit so well just by looking?” 

“What can i say, i’m a very clever man.” Ford responded, thinking it might be seen as slightly weird to say he had taken arthur’s measurements once while Ford was drunk, Arthur had passed out, and there was a measuring tape tantalisingly close. 

“can’t argue with that” 

Arthur turned and looked at ford studiously, opening and closing his mouth a few times before finally speaking, “you look very nice...” it seemed more like a question than a compliment but Ford smiled none the less.“sorry i- i haven’t been on a date in so long i don’t know what i’m doing”

Once again Ford found himself shocked by the amount of nonsense in the head of the ‘straight’ inhabitants of this plannet. 

“Nothing about this is normal, don’t follow a script what’s the point in that just enjoy yourself”

“well,” he cleared his throat “i am quite enjoying looking at you”

Ford gave an exaggerated mock gasp, through a grin, and put his hand to his chest, “Oh my, Mr Dent you say the nicest things” 

It’s was to the credit of how much progress Arthur’s brain had made that he played along, proffering his his arm for Ford to link with, “Care to join me for dinner Mr Prefect.”

“we shall have the finest wine and dine in all the land”

After a few steps, Arthur pulled his arm away to open the door, bowing dramatically to allow his companion through. 

“madame” 

“why thank you sir”

They waited for the lift in a fit of giggles, and failed to stifle laughs, glancing at each other knowingly and setting each other off, while stood behind a little kid and his mum in the lift going down. 

“I feel overdressed considering it’s only 5.” Arthur declared as they strode towards the desk to make a reservation. 

“what did i say about how little people actually pay attention to you” 

“ah yes, seems to be a reoccurring issue of mine, I seem to be having tremendous difficulty with my lifestyle”

“I cannot recommend not caring highly enough”

“Far too many negatives in that sentence for me to decipher it.”

Ford began to respond but Arthur was already taking to the person on reception so stood there dejected.

He thought about the last 24 hours and his mind boggled at how much had changed, he had come with a vague plan to help arthur loosen up, and it had gone far better than he could have imagined. 

“that’s a table at 7pm, and i’ve informed them that it’s a business meeting so you’ll have a bit more privacy, anything else?” The receptionist said finally, grabbing Ford’s attention. 

“no that’s great thank you” 

As they walked off, the sentence suddenly clicked in his head, “Oh Arthur Dent, you’re a very smart man.” 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m sorry for how short/late this is my brain broke shortly after writing chapter 2 but hey. This is even more self indulgent if it’s possible than previous chapters so strap in.   
> Also random fact about my life, me and the person who came up with half the ideas for this fic with me are now dating so hey that’s funny, also very funny is the fact that it was our friend who’s a scouser who managed to get them to stop being repressed so both arthur and alex know the power of a scouser telling you to stop being stupid.

They returned to their room to kill an hour or so, playing the travel scrabble Arthur always seemed to have on his person.

If he was honest, Ford only agreed to it because it was funny to see arthur go through the stages of grief when he found out ford couldn’t spell. (Although the double benefit of seeing arthur happy and relaxed did register somewhere in the pit of his stomach). 

The game concluded with the score of 50-259 to arthur, a slim loss in arthur’s opinion- but he would like the reader to note that his highest scoring word was Queer, on a triple word score (indicative of his mental state); and that ford spelling question as ‘kweston’ threw him off so hard he didn’t recover for 30 minutes. 

As the two wandered down to the lobby once more and out of the hotel, Arthur’s eye blew wide as he realised something.   
“SHIT THE DOG”.   
At this point, let’s take stock of what we might expect Ford to respond to this.   
The information we have is that one 1) Ford has known Arthur for 4 years at this point. 2) Ford has been to Arthur’s house many a time and is familiar with the inhabitants of said house, 3) more astute readers may have noticed Ford is using a babel fish, even at this point in our story. (He’s a lazy man and didn’t pay attention to how to pick up galactic languages lessons. Most modern students deem this to be a stupid thing to teach- when there’s readily available babel fish on every corner- ‘you never know when you’ll need to know how to spell in a new language’ teachers would retort, and Ford had a good chuckle at the irony of that when he was first roped into a scrabble game. Parellels could be draw between this and non calculator maths papers in the 21st century. (However, earth does not exist in the 21st century so we may never know of such similarities.)   
Based on points 1 and 2, one may expect ford to reply: ‘oh no!’ or even ‘don’t worry I took him to my neighbours’. However, this disregards the 3rd point. 

Ford’s actual response made Arthur stop in his tracks, being ford prefects best friend of nearly half a decade, that’s quite a feat.   
“Belgium to him, he’s homophobic”   
Arthur studied the smaller man for a moment trying to find a hint of his leg being pulled, but he just stared at him, unblinking. (Although this did seem to be Ford’s default).   
“Ford, he’s a dog”  
“Unfortunately homophobia is present in many domesticated species, because it’s a learnt trait, and your dog, is homophobic”  
None of this was said with an ounce of jest and Arthur stood there gobsmacked, while Ford continued. This was clearly a topic he’d been mad about for a while and he gesticulated to get his point across.   
“The little shit barks absolute abuse at you and you just coo around him, no wonder you’re a goddamn closet case! You’re being brain washed by a tiny fury bastard.”   
Arthur sharply inhaled and looked Ford’s angry little face. The whole thing was incredibly comical, and yet he could feel tears threatening to flow into his eyes and a stubborn lump formed in his throat.   
“I mean yeah maybe,” Arthur paused knowing he should leave it, ford must have gone though this stuff too, even if it didn’t show (guilford isn’t that progressive). Against his will, his mouth opened again while ford’s mischievous grin slipped from his face due to arthur’s lack of a smile for the first time that evening.   
“or maybe it’s because I was 19 before homosexuality was even legalised, or the fact that we could still be arrested to this day, or the fact my mother spent my teenage years warning me against, that’s right, myself!”   
Ford’s eyebrows furrowed and his mouth gaped. Arthur continued unperturbed. “yes, gay men we’re apparently all shifty old men in dirty bathrooms and there I was being a pervert thinking about my classmates-“   
Arthur was cut off by a hand over his mouth. The smaller man looked him dead in the eye and spoke slowly. “You are not a pervert. You are not dirty. What you feel is natural and wonderful. If only you knew what was out there.”   
Ford stared wistfully vaguely upwards thinking about the rest of the galaxy, yearning for even a completely deserted planet, anything would be better than this regressed capitalist hellhole. Unfortunately capitalism was still rather a thing in space but to a lesser extent, what with the only usable currency completely crashed. He let out a sigh, reminding himself this wasn’t about him.   
“I’m going to hug you now and I need you to promise you won’t freak out because we are barely even in public there is no one around this is a back ally”   
Arthur nodded, feeling slightly like a berated child, but refusing to think about that too deeply. 

Ford’s arms around him for the 5th time in the last 24 hours felt so grounding he felt slightly like he might throw up with emotion, it somehow feeling more overwhelming than in bed the previous night. This train of thought hit him like, well, a train and he stumbled back slightly. Ford groaned inwardly.   
“okay are we going?”  
The other man did not reply, but moved his hands to his ears pressing slightly for comfort. Once he had regained composure, he stuttered out a few words.   
“This is a lot.”  
“Yes well you have done a lot of firsts recently.” Ford replied mustering something that resembled sympathy.   
“every time we touch i get this feeling in my stomach feels like lead and my lungs feel like they’re filled with helium and I feel like everything is filled with static.”  
Unsure of how to say this without sounding insensitive, or any other adjectives humans had used to describe him, ford smiled -this made arthur shift his collar in discomfort but the smaller man didn’t see that.   
“That’s because you like me.”  
Arthur blinked. He blinked again. He blinked once more for luck. Ford did not blink. He didn’t blink much so that’s not unusual, just a reminder to the reader.   
“We’re going to be late to dinner.” Arthur finally declared turning on his heel and letting Ford scurry after him.


End file.
